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11:12 a.m. - 2005-08-05
Let me call you sweetheart
I went to a wedding tonight.

I'm already getting ahead of the story, thats not good.

I knew about this a few weeks ago but i forgot until I got home and had an hour to change from the filthy rags they have the indecency to call a uniform after its been at designware a couple hours, and become a social, well kept person of the human race dressed for a wedding.

I wore a pink glittery tank with a flippy knee length pink white and black skirt. Me, will all this pink, I know its scary, but its just my way of trying to be a woman instead of a sweaty labor worker. I left all my jewelry out and packed the jewelry case. Its all sitting together in a tangled mess in an old checkbox. Pink jewelry, I didnt even know I had it.

All I can say is I'm glad I put some makeup on!

I didn't realize where the wedding was going to be. IT was an elderly couple who wanted to spend the last of there lives together. I assumed it was going to be at the elderly community where they lived, don't ask why. But when we pulled up I realized what was happening.

We where at Erik's dad's church. And there he was, standing in the driveway.

I have to admit, pulling up to the church Jon and Shelly got married in was a suprize, but unexpectidly seeing Erik was a shock.

OMG I am glad I dressed up. I may not be here for long but I want to go out with a bang.

I thought I had the strength to keep myself composed in his presance, but evedently, I'm not. The whole reception I kept catching myself staring at him with this look, half lustful, half regretful. Lustful, of course, goes without explanation. Regretful, because I realized that since I'm obviously not getting over this like I hoped, I have decided what to say to him the last time I see him.

"I just wanted you to know that a few years ago, I think everyone in the world told me not to fall in love with you.

I'm really glad I didn't listen."


I cried during the ceremony. I dont know whats wrong with me, I've always been this logical, rational person. I FREAKING CRIED during a 10 minute ceremony.

It was beautiful. Not the decorations, but the people standing up there, promising to love honor and obey till death do they part. He had a walker. It took a few minutes for him to make it to the alter, and she wore dark green stockings with a pale blue dress.

But when they got up there and said there vows like two teenagers in sweet, innocent love, I cried. It was beautiful. It was timeless, and it was something we don't see nearly enough of.

Anyone who has ever read a walk to remember, at least the last few pages, knows what it looked like.


They had older country style songs playing. I almost prayed for 'let me call you sweetheart' to play. I don't remember why, but once when Erik was over that song was playing on the TV and he softly sang along to it. I wanted it to play, so maybe he would ask me to dance. But there was no song, and he had hurt his back and was walking with a crutch.

We had to leave early, its my dads birthday and we still wanted to celebrate. When we walked out his sister came out to say goodbye. I waited for him. He didnt come out. I watched the sliding glass door as we drove away. He didn't come out. I even waited at home, thinking he would stop by.

He didn't.

His ex-brother in law gave me more attention than he did. I'm beginning to think he just doesn't care for me at all. First as a woman, now as a friend. I don't think I'm unattractive, or boring or shallow....

What didn't he see in me?


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