6:06 p.m. - 2005-04-24
The first cut is the deepest
I have butterflies. Its a great feeling.

Well i already told the story of the 'almost' love of my life, but for some reason, diaryland chose not to put it in my private folder, and it disapeared. So, il tell you now, and since ive recently locked this diary, i wont leave anything out.

I've known erik since i was 11 years old. At least that was the first time i remember knowing him. His dad and my dad have known each other for 30 years, so we are all sort of family friends. I never really gave him a second look, until i was 17. He was divorcing from his short lived early marrage, and came home to visit his dad.

I still didnt think of him in that way, because i thought he was a lot older than me. Then, one day, i was walking into the room when my sister in law jokingly mentioned that after he was divorced they would get him to marry me and then he would be in the family. It was ment as a friendly joking around, and i normally would have thought nothing of it. But, for some strange reason, i looked up at him, and he looked at me. And then something happened, something clicked and i was taken. I felt like i was alive for the first time.

We spent most of that summer in each others company. Mostly I stayed at my brother jons house, and he was over there every night too, because they where friends. I was asked by my sister in law shelly if i had feelings for him, in which i shyly replyed i didnt, because he was so much older. thats when i found out he was only 4 years older, not 10 like i thought. From that day things started to change. I could talk to him and we could play like no one else id ever known. Then, at the end of summer, he went away, and i cried myself to sleep most nights. he moved 2 hours away for a job. We called each other almost every night, and he would come by and see me when he could get away long enough to visit.

Then, he started visiting less, and calling less, and eventuially he got his number changed. (he kept his old one so it would be local for me to call since i didnt have long distance.) so he only called about every 6 months or so when he was in town and could stop by for an hour or two. We called each other for christmas and on birthdays. We might see each other in the store when he was in town and would talk for a few minutes. I started seeing myself as a casual flirtation, until i realized, that maybe nothing really happened between us, not because he was using me with all intentions of leaving, but because he didnt think of me like that. Maybe he felt 'brotherly' towards me, not romantically.

I remember the last sleepover we had at my brothers house before he went away. They picked me up at work and brought me over, my brother (jon) his wife (shelly) and him. He slept on the couch and i slept on the fold out loveseat. I layed awake thinking, 'this is it. this is my last chance to know if theres anything to hold on to, anything to wait for when he leaves." His hand was partially open while he slept, right next to mine. I wanted to take his hand in mine and cry, but i didnt. I almost did but i felt too embarrassed, thinking that he might not even see me that way. We got up the next morning for church and i got as dressed up as i could, i wanted to look especially nice that day, he was leaving right after services. He gave me one last hug and slipped out. I went to the window, and a tear fell down my cheek as i watched him drive away.

That was almost three years ago. He called me in march to tell me he was moving back home. I knew he was lonely, being away from all of his family and friends to work third shift. I would have moved back home too. His last day was april 15th, and that weekend he was moving back. I had since painfully managed to get over him and move on, so i didnt think we would ever really see him, or if he really cared to see us. Two days after he moved back he came over to the house. He mentioned that he, my sister (shannon) and i should all go to the movies sometime. I thought he was just being nice, and shannon started talking about a few movies comming out this summer we all wanted to see. then he said he wanted to go to something this week. He didnt know what was playing and didnt care, he just wanted to go with us as soon as we could go. So, saterday afternoon he met us at the house, we all drove over to the theater, i was in the front seat next to him, and if i was wearing an evening dress, you would have thought i was going to the prom. My hair was finally long enough for a very elegant updo, i was wearing makeup, and had a very pretty outfit on, complete with heals and diamond jewelry. I wanted to knock his socks off.

The brat paid for the three of us, which, i know its sad, but in my last 5 or so years of experience in dating, ive always paid for myself. this wasnt even a date and he paid for all of us. He also held all the doors open and made sure we both went first. He let us pick the movie, the seats, the time, the restaraunt afterwards. i felt so special i wanted to grab him and kiss him right there in the middle of everyone. On the way to the resaurant afterwards his hands where really cold (hes coming down with something) so i held his hand all the way. It was the first time i had been that close to him in years, and i wanted to melt. after dinner we went back to the house and he stayed there and talked to everyone for 4 hours, until he was so tired he had to go home.

I cant stop smiling! I dont even know if he thinks of me like that at all, but ive never met anyone that can make me feel this flustered before. Im not gonna try and get him out of my head, im gonna be honest with myself, and im gonna love him till the day i die, no matter what happens between us.

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