10:36 p.m. - 2005-04-03
There's a little bit of Neverland in all of us, if we where only to look for it.
Well, the oldest niece had a stomach virus this weekend, so we will have to have easter with them next weekend.

What is it nowadays about a really, really good movie and a bad ending? cant the hero just survive and live happily ever after once, just once??? If i wanted to see the bad crap that goes on in everyday life, i wouldnt be at a theater, i would stay home and watch the news. I want to see a really good movie where the main characters actually live in the end, instead of walking away from a movie feeling empty and sad, is that so hard? Is that just too much to ask to want to escape reality and for a brief moment be lifted into a world where things make since and people come out of the burning building at the end? I guess hollywood got tired of letting people live. The good endings are getting old, why not kill off the main character after he has overcome everything else?

I wont tell you what movie i saw because it would ruin it, and if you like that sorta thing, then more power to ya, wouldnt want to spoil it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about where i am headed. This was suppossed to be 4-6 weeks, and then i was going to another job. But, after that first 6 weeks, I realized i have never been let go, ive always been the one to walk away. I couldnt deal with the thought of "is today going to be my last day?" every time i walked in. So, i pushed myself harder everyday and worked harder everyday. A few months later and the hiring freeze lifted, and i was offered a part time position.

Then a few months later, right before christmas they started doing budget cuts. I had no idea our jobs where in jepardy. All i knew was one morning the boss told us to keep busy because there where some big names in the building. The next day one of my best friends was laid off. It wasnt real for me until someone else got laid off the next day and i realized that i might not last the week. I think it would have killed me to walk up to the corporate offices and sit in a room and told not to come back.

I made it. I push myself to get the job done. For what? so i can come home at night to soak my feet, take yet another shower for one day because im covered in dirt, and sneeze up black dust for days afterwards? I go into a building thats so loud if you screamed from insanity no one would hear you. Theres no windows, no glimmer into the outside world, no sunlight. Everyday we sweep up enough dust to make it so we cant see the other end of the store, just to have it settle right back in place the next day. I sell paper plates. I stand at a register and sell a thousand dollars worth of paper products everyday to retired old ladies who want to complain to me about the prices.

Ive been full time for 8 months now, and im up for another raise. am i going to be here forever? IS my life going to be spent in a worthless pile of dust so i can sell useless luxuries? For how long? another year, a couple of years? Ive been there a year and a half, and what difference does it make? I havent helped anyone, im not working towards the greater good, im not trying to make a difference in the lives of someone who needs help. When i die and go to heavan and the lord asks me what i have done with my life, what will i say?

So, what should i do? should i find someone i can live with, get married and bring children into this horrible place we call the world so my life will make sence? Then what, will i tell my kids that i had them because i wanted my life to mean something, and that they should have kids so there life will mean something?

These are the thoughts that go through my head everyday. I try to find little hobbies so i can take my mind off it but im just running away. The only answer i have for myself, and probably the best answer anyone can give is to pray. I cant fix this, i cant make my life mean something, but God can. Ive always listened to peoples testimonies, and thought, what is my testimony? Ive loved the lord since i can remember, he lives in me and i will be with him in heavan. But, i think God has something more in store for me. I think im living out my testimony right now.

So, if anyone is reading this, pray for me, please.

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