2:02 a.m. - 2005-07-08
Two endings, but only one possibility
I was walking through manufacturing today and something came to mind.

I used to walk around thinking, "is this my life? Is this job gonna still be mine in a year? Two years? Am I gonna get married and have a family and still work here?"

Today I thought, "After March 17th, I'm never gonna see this place again."

I wanted to jump for joy and cry at the same time.

Theres no where else like this place, I love shopping here. LOVE it. Hate working there, but LOVE shopping there. They dont have a paper product/party supply outlet store in florida. And I'm not talking about the half off card shop, that place is a joke. Where I work, you can get a whole set of party supplies for a little kids birthday sometimes under $5. Theres no where else in the world that comes close to that.

On the other hand, I wanted to quit today. My boss got yelled at for basically keeping us all motivated and aleviating stress. Im not gonna say what happened, but thats basically it. I wanted to put my arm around her and say, "Ok, come on, lets walk up there together and quit. Right now, i'm right here next to you. Lets kiss those freaking jerks goodbye."

Guess you all would like to know how my fourth of july went, and what happened when we told Erik the news.

Somehow when I saw him, I was really happy to see him, but I kinda felt like, "you had your chance, you lost it, i've moved on." I acted differently, too. I can't explain it, I guess, like I wasn't interested. I still treated him like a friend, but it was more like a guest this time. And the most ironic thing happened.

he flirted with me like crazy. He kept touching and tickling me and giving me attention in front of everybody. That little freak. It all makes sence now.

Before, 3 years ago when this all started, he was in the middle of a divorce, and he drove me crazy. I thought I was gonna marry him. Then the papers where signed and he left me alone. Until we tell him that we are moving to florida, now hes driving me crazy again.

He only wants what he can't have. That little FREAK.

This is like a movie. where the main characters are caught in this big dramatic torturous thing and then at the end they dont get together cause things just dont work out, and its all different. they just look at each other, smile, shake there heads, and turn away, and thats the end.
***
I will always love you, Erik, but my heart needs to heal. Finally heal. And theres two ways for it to do that, with you, or without you. Over 1000 miles apart, it's gotta be without you. It's gotta be a clean break, and it's gotta be forever. If you ever change your mind, I'm only a phone call away, and I'll remember the gleam in your eye, and your beautiful smile till the day I die.
***

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